couldn't sleep at all wen my baby didn't come home on thursday. worried sick. sms and tried calling her every half hour till morning...... no reply....no response. Heart aches.... worried..... no words can describe my feelings...... sense of loss.... my baby doesn't wan our family.... so much resentment in her..... so much pent-up frustrations etc....

Noe she cannot take the stress anymore...... but there is so little dat I can really do....... so frustrated with myself.... feeling that i have failed very badly as a parent..... failed for being unable to provide at least a moderate standard of living for my girls....... failed for guiding and teaching my girls in alot of ways.... I noe inside me that I have lost my baby in certain ways.... baby does not wan to be in this family.... does not relish being in this family anymore.... does not feel any love for this family like before.... cannot stand being in the house... sense so much anger and hatred for present state of living conditions....

If i could rewrite my life all over again...... I would choose to have an ordinary family.... living in a small hdb apartment..... even if it is a 3-room flat..... i really dun mind at all..... Tried as i may.... for countless times and efforts to change the mindset but unable to convince and persuade di at all..... for many years already..... as far as MG time...... Still trying at every given opportunity..... to slowly change mindset of di.....to even rent out apartment if cannot sell (property price not good.. to sell now will lose at lot of money)..... nobody really noes wad i am going thru everyday of my life.... but no matter wad... still .... life has to go on.....

at least.... i now have this blog to write and air some of my grievances.....as a form of de-stressing myself alittle. At least the study loan has just been approved and can provide proper allowance for my 2 babies.. ..... Dajie has lots of committments..... to pay off her tuition grant.... her study loan.... her insurance premium..... and lots more... dats why she takes up giving tuition to students.... to supplement herself a little more..... on top of all her committments..... she never fails to give some to me for the household.... dun noe wad i will do without her help.....i noe dat my two other babies will definitely help also if they could in any ways,.... just like they did last time.... but for now..... they must concentrate on their education..... its a cruel world out there..... no paper qualification.... no future at all.... unless.... unless you are born with golden spoon in your mouth.... otherwise.... really cruel world out there...... frenz may say they can be there for you..... but for how long...... how long..... before the novelty wears off and its no longer fun and exciting to carry on.....

That's all for now.... will write again... real soon.... perhaps tomorrow.... my kind of therapy....

Mummy Woes.... no one can actually understand the pains and aches of parenthood until he or she becomes one.... No matter how old or big your children are.... in the eyes of the mummy... that child will always be a child at heart.... be he or she at 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 or even till death..... is still a child to their mummies.

For years.. my girls have braved storms and much more..... words cannot express..... really salute them for their perserverence and tolerance...... even have to get them to go out and work part-time to earn extra income for their own expenditure etc.... It pains me alot to see them suffer and struggle thru life at such a young and tender age... but it's life.... Given a choice really.... I would rather live to moderately.... never wanted or insisted on staying in a condo or bungalow or private property.... will be equally happy as long as there's a roof over our heads..... pretty damn sure my girls feel that way too....

Stress and worry for my girls.... if they come back late... did they eat their meals.... will they go hungry.....etc... bills, bills, bills and more bills. Deadlines to meet for bills etc.... Can survive on instant noodles for lunch everyday... just so that there is enough food on the table at dinnertime for everyone....

Know that hubby is doing his best to secure deals.... however the deals are in huge amounts and very lengthy and can takes months and months to complete..... even if given a specific date by client... the dates are normally not accurate at all..... I know for sure that he feels awful too but being a man thing.... he does not allow himself to show his frustrations that easily..... we girls tend to flare up much easier though....

Irresponsibility or responsibility....... whose right and whose wrong..... there will be endless debate on this issue..... while the reason behind is for a better tomorrow...... it is really difficult for some to handle.... wad with school expenses, daily living expenses.... etc.... I have been waiting for years for things to get better too.... even to the extent of volunteering for clinical research studies.... just to earn that little extra so that the family can survive....... Registered with Changi Hospital and Singapore General Hospital....

Lamenting all empty promises...... who would like to give their kids empty promises?????? the promises given were as per wad clients tell us.... so we also hope to give a ray of hope by forwarding the same information..... and it doesn't visualise... den it is deemed as empty promises....

first entry.....

this entry is done for my dear mummy.....

i know it has been very hard on you all these years mum..... but i feel that it is about time that we can turn things around and live more comfortably.....

i treat this period of time as a lesson that i have to learn.... it has been hard at times but it has made me treasure what i have..... and that i have to work hard to get what i want.... it is much better that i spend what i earned with my own sweat than to depend too much on you and daddy....

thank you...

I LOVE YOU!~!~ (",)